The Appeal

It took another man to walk away with nary a word for me to realise something about myself. I hold no appeal to the opposite sex.

Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. I decided at the beginning of the year the last I was dating would be the last. And he will be. But it took his absense for me to notice my lack of appeal and what I'm going to do about it.

You see, I'm too liberal for the Christian guys and too conservative for the more liberal thinkers. Too matronly for the younger guys and too immature for older men. Too into football for the geeks and too geeky for the jocks. Too smart for the industrial man and too shallow for the intellects. I'm too loud and outgoing for the quiet man, but too much of an introvert for the outgoing life of the party. I'm funny enough for the dry guy but not witty enough for the class clown. I'm chaste around the boisterous man, but too shocking for the modest guys. I'm loving and kind and honourable and organised. I love animals and my own children and willing to open my heart to his. I fear adding "a true submissive woman" because it can be misinterpreted as easily walked over and that's far from it.

I spent a lot of time looking for the right guy that I forgot how to be the right woman, not realizing she was there all along.

You see, I was never looking for a jock, or a geek, or someone smart. I was only looking for someone who loved me. Who wanted to be with me and who invested himself in me whatever way possible. Someone who thought I was worth it.

I quit looking for that person. Instead I AM that person. I love who I am. I enjoy who I've become. And I think I am so worth every effort I put forth and more.

I'll grow, and I'll mature and I'll make mistakes along the way. But I will never lose sight of who I am and how much I'm worth. Never again. If someone wants to join me on this journey, so be it. But if not, I'm fine taking it solo.

As for what I'll change about myself? Not a bloody thing. And if you love me, and if you value me as a person, a woman, a sister in Christ, you won't ask me to.

Thank you for loving me. And thank you for letting me love me too. I love you all dearly and love sharing my journey with you.

The Best of Me...and The Best of Me

So for lent I decided to give up romance novels, and last week was Easter so I was able to go back to them. I decided not to. I was able to think and realise why I read them and why they became so important in my life.

 

For one, they were a great way to pass time. If I was sitting around and wanted to read something that didn’t require too much brain power, I would read a romance novel. Most are simply written and rarely do I read one that I end up perplexed and have to go back and re-read passages.

 

And as a single woman they were a way to fulfill a fantasy. I’m not shy; I’ll admit it. I would read those books and picture myself with a man like that and if I’d be happy with him. Some men were too alpha for me, some were too weak, some just too perfect and others too flawed. There were a few that I thought I could see myself with and found myself looking for that man instead of looking at the men in my life. I would put those characters on a pedestal and forget they were fiction. It was dangerous and I didn’t realise I was doing it until I stopped reading the books.

 

As for how the removal helped my relationship, it didn’t. But that’s okay. The end of any relationship sucks and hurts but if I didn’t learn anything from it, it would be for naught. And I learned that men in real life are soooo different than book characters and if I had the choice I’d pick real men every time. I learned that men aren’t as cognizant about things as I am, but that doesn’t mean they care any less. It just means they think differently.

 

I also learned that I am not ready for a relationship. At least right now. And not because I don’t want one, but because it’s not time. When it’s time, it will be because God says so, not because I do. I wish I figured this out before I got hurt, but that’s more my fault than anything.


I take this back. I AM ready, but it wasn't the right time with the right person. Someday it will be, and that's because God will say so, not me.

 

I am incredibly thankful for this experience, and grateful I am able to continue my life without romance novels. Oh I’m sure I’ll read one here and there, but for now I’ll just focus on other things.

 

Thank you for reading my life journeys. I can’t do this without you. Any of you.