Today is Today...Not Tomorrow.

So one of the things people know about me is I tend to over analyse. And not just complex issues, but simple issues that most people don't think twice about. It's a huge burden I deal with, but because it's the way my mind works I learn to deal with it; to accept it.

Unfortunately it's hard on those around me because I'm incessant with my need to question EVERYTHING. Why? Why? Why? Why??? And I'm usually the frustrated one because the answers I seek aren't always there.

Lately I've had something that I have never had before and it's made me a happier person. It's made me more aware of my good qualities, my beauty as a person, and how wonderful I truly can be.

Unfortunately with the analytical mind comes the doubt. Is this sincere? Is this just a fallacy or imagination? But I'm learning to push that all aside and try to just enjoy it.

Yet today I found myself in tears because I was overthinking my future again. Where am I going to be? Am I going to be happy? What choices will I make? Will I be alone? Who will I end up being? All the questions one asks when debating decisions.

I disgusted myself for the first time. Why can't I just enjoy myself in the moment and not try to figure out every single detail for the next fifty years? Why can't I just be satisfied with where I am and who I am instead of constantly trying to improve or change? Why must I complicate things to the point of insanity? If I keep this up I will be alone. No sane man will put up with my mind for very long. I can barely tolerate it as of late.

I'm not promised a future.

I'm not promised tomorrow.

I only have today.

So my goal is, to love and accept today for what it is. My goal is to focus on the love I've been given and cherish it. My goal is to not understand, but to embrace and treasure.

And my goal is to cut myself some slack. Yes, it's pathetic to have to remind myself to QUIT OVER THINKING. Lord knows I have plenty of loved ones who do that. But the amount of disgust I feel for myself right now is simply revolting; only for the reason that if I don't chill out, and if I don't learn to accept things as they are instead of trying to fix them, I'm going to lose.

That scared me.

I don't want to lose. I want to be the victor. And I can strategise all day long until the cows come home, but reason doesn't take into account feelings, and emotions, and the unpredictability of others.

Not only do I want to be the victor, I AM the victor. I'm not a loser; I'm not a quitter. I'm not a damsel in distress. I'm me. And I am wonderfully and beautifully made. And everything about me is loved; my mind, my heart, my flaws, my happiness and my sadness.

I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of wondering. I just want to...love. And if I truly believe love is a choice, and the choice is made, then the only standing in my way...is myself. And I'm unkindly shoving myself out of the way and standing triumphantly.

I am happy.

I am in love with today.

I am loved.

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.