I've been lying to you. I've been lying to me. I've been telling the world a lie and I finally recognised it for what it is. A big, fat, ugly lie.
It's been a month since we last spoke, Since promising words were whispered under a clandestine moon. It's been a month since my heart was filled with dread that it would be our last, not realising it was.
I thought I was passed it. I thought I had moved on and healed. The sobbing shower tonight told me different. The words, "I hate him!" screaming through the streams of water spoke a truth I didn't even notice until now.
Promises were made...promises that had been broken many times by others but sworn to never be broken by him. Words and thoughts and hearts were exchanged with the vision of being forever tied together. Little did I know it wouldn't take much to break them. I thought they were strong as steel but they were as weak as a a spiders web in a raging summer storm.
You see, everything was perfect. I was happier than I have ever been in my life. I was with someone who validated me, who treasured me for who I was and not what he wanted me to be, and who thought I was more brilliant than a lightbulb. I was treated more precious than gold or silver.
Who would have thought it would take a small wrinkle in life to turn it all around? I'll admit; I'm not blameless. I could have done something more substantial to make things work, but I felt like I needed to honour my word and wait three years. I was content with that because I knew it would take us that long to keep getting to know each other, and each other's families. It would give everyone a chance to accept and realise it was the real thing and not some passing fancy.
Little did I know it didn't take much to bring it crashing down around us. A petty threat made by one who understood nothing, let alone me and my intentions. A nasty comment about my "inappropriateness" and "need for therapy" was all it took. How dare they? How dare they make judgments without even knowing me? How dare they question my integrity for the sake of appearances and ill gotten opinions? How dare the words, "It's not about you" pass by when it was all completely about me and the fact that I was older in years? We all know I act my age and some *sarcasm*. We all know I'm the epitome of maturity. *rolling my eyes*
It all boils down to one factor: I wasn't worth it. Fear overtook promises and won. It wasn't even a battle to be honest. It was a surrender. He hoisted that white flag up so high he probably smacked himself in the face with it. He caved to their wishes and did exactly what they wanted instead of keeping his word.
Here's where it gets personal for me: Will I ever be able to trust another person again? Will I ever matter enough to someone to stay with me? Will I ever be worth fighting for?
I'm done lying to you. I am broken. I thought I was bent but it's much worse than that. If you saw my naked emotions you would see a gaping wound covered by a thick wall of protection so no one can ever hurt me again. I can't imagine ever being that vulnerable to someone else again.
I find it ironic that me, a person who believes in fairy tales, happily ever afters, true loves first kiss and the prince on the white steed who delivers it would fall prey to loneliness and utter betrayal.
I'm learning my story has a different ending. Maybe my fairy tales is filled with me and my bunny having fun frolicking in fields. Maybe my happily ever after is working at a homeless shelter, soup kitchen, animal rescue center. And maybe my prince on the white steed is watching my children be the men they need to be; the men I raised them to be.
I may never find love again, and I may need to learn to be content on my own but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. But it doesn't mean I'm quitting either. I'm still me. And I'll still "fake it till I make it" because I'm still an Englebright, and Englebright's Go Big or Go Home.
