Silent Screams

When all you can do is open your mouth and pray a sound comes out. Clutching a drenched pillow in the moonlight as your heart wails to the stars. 


His brow furrows and her lips purse seeing that vacant wild gaze you sweep upon them. You hear them before the sound even reaches their lips. 


You fail. 
Your fault. 
You die. 
Worthless. 
Expendable. 
Cheap. 
Failure. 
Retched. 
Undeserving. 
Unloved.



You know these words. They are the song tattooed on your heart. They resonate in your soul like the beating of the drums. Slow. Steady. Strong. Consistent. 


You dream of a far off time when the sun would catch your lips and the breeze waft through your hair as if it were spun silk. 


You remember when your soul laughed and the tears that streamed down your face weren't from anguish but joy and contentment. 


You run around blindly searching for the one who might comfort you. Whose arms are strong enough to block even boulders from crushing your heart. Pushing through the weeds and filth of your existence you realise your search is in vain. 


There is no Great Comforter. There is no where safe. There's nowhere left for you to run. 


Your existence is final. You have been chosen as the least acceptable and it Has Been Written. 


Falling to your knees in defeat you know it to be true. Despair has hit you like a ton of bricks; knocking your breath away and settling around you like a death shroud. 


Go ahead.
You know you want to. 
You just know you can't. 
No one will hear you. 
No one will care about you. 
No one will notice...your silent scream.

Forgiveness

Earlier this year I met someone and when we connected I thought, “This is the last guy I ever date, whether it works out or not.” Let me tell you something, dating SUCKS ASS. Like majorly. I hear these stories of how people had life changing issues, got back on their feet and BAM! The dating world opened up to them like a geyser. They met all these people, had all these adventures, and things were just swell for them. So I get it in my brain that's how it's going to be for me. NOT!! Oh my goodness. It was awful. I seriously thought I would need a tetanus shot or rabies vaccine after some of the dates I went on.

Then I met this guy. We talked for hours. We connected. We laughed. We disagreed. And we agreed on so much. His voice was the first thing I heard in the morning and generally the last thing I heard at night. I was hooked.

Then I started noticing things. Nothing blatant or obvious, but small nuances that would pop up and cause me to take a step back and look quizzically at things. Small things I soon learned to ignore. You see, one of my biggest characteristics is being a perfectionist. I look at myself and expect perfection, and because I know I'm far from it, I don't even try. I look at others and think of how things should have gone or should have been said for it to have been a perfect situation. So when in a relationship I really struggle with red flags versus my idiosyncrasies popping up. I ignored the red flags and kept on trucking. Maybe red flags are too strong? Yellow? Orange? Regardless, things weren't right and I struggled significantly with them.

Soon I began to cling to the small beauties that popped up occasionally. Validation of my opinion. Punny texts all through the night. Frustrating concern when my safety and my sons safety were in question. Those small gestures became life lines and I didn't even realize I was drowning. The rest of the time I felt was spent placating rants and frustrations just to keep from being the focus of them. And of course waiting patiently for the attention I was apparently never going to get.

When it was over and I was left bewildered and confused I realized I really shouldn't be. I saw the signs. I knew what was going on. I just chose to ignore it because I was enamored by this person…this creature would could turn mundane discussions about comics into a full fledged debate over which is better, DC or Marvel. Who could bring clarity to a crazy situation and walk me through it. He had his great points. And he had his not so great points. And it was only when I realized it was over that I could look at everything about him, good and bad, and understand why it didn't work out.

And guess what I learned? Not a bloody thing. Surprising huh? Not really. Because it all boils down to one concept. He is an imperfect man and I am an imperfect woman and the likelihood of us being perfect together was slim to none. I could sit here and pick him apart and tell you every little flaw and irritants that I discovered but what would that prove? Nothing. Because that's not why I'm here. I'm here because I've come to terms with the loss of what I thought we had as opposed to what we DID have.

I'm here to say three words: I. Forgive. You.

And I'm free to say those words because I've finally forgiven myself for all the mistakes I made and all the dorky things I did to push him away. I'm finally free to move on with the knowledge that I'm not perfect, no one is perfect and to expect perfection only leads to disappointment.

And that's it. Nothing special. Nothing fancy. Just that simple message I hope one day he can accept.

Because it's true. I do forgive you.