When all you can do is open your mouth and pray a sound comes out. Clutching a drenched pillow in the moonlight as your heart wails to the stars.
His brow furrows and her lips purse seeing that vacant wild gaze you sweep upon them. You hear them before the sound even reaches their lips.
You fail.
Your fault.
You die.
Worthless.
Expendable.
Cheap.
Failure.
Retched.
Undeserving.
Unloved.
You know these words. They are the song tattooed on your heart. They resonate in your soul like the beating of the drums. Slow. Steady. Strong. Consistent.
You dream of a far off time when the sun would catch your lips and the breeze waft through your hair as if it were spun silk.
You remember when your soul laughed and the tears that streamed down your face weren't from anguish but joy and contentment.
You run around blindly searching for the one who might comfort you. Whose arms are strong enough to block even boulders from crushing your heart. Pushing through the weeds and filth of your existence you realise your search is in vain.
There is no Great Comforter. There is no where safe. There's nowhere left for you to run.
Your existence is final. You have been chosen as the least acceptable and it Has Been Written.
Falling to your knees in defeat you know it to be true. Despair has hit you like a ton of bricks; knocking your breath away and settling around you like a death shroud.
Go ahead.
You know you want to.
You just know you can't.
No one will hear you.
No one will care about you.
No one will notice...your silent scream.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Forgiveness
Earlier this year I met someone and when we connected I thought, “This is the last guy I ever date, whether it works out or not.” Let me tell you something, dating SUCKS ASS. Like majorly. I hear these stories of how people had life changing issues, got back on their feet and BAM! The dating world opened up to them like a geyser. They met all these people, had all these adventures, and things were just swell for them. So I get it in my brain that's how it's going to be for me. NOT!! Oh my goodness. It was awful. I seriously thought I would need a tetanus shot or rabies vaccine after some of the dates I went on.
Then I met this guy. We talked for hours. We connected. We laughed. We disagreed. And we agreed on so much. His voice was the first thing I heard in the morning and generally the last thing I heard at night. I was hooked.
Then I started noticing things. Nothing blatant or obvious, but small nuances that would pop up and cause me to take a step back and look quizzically at things. Small things I soon learned to ignore. You see, one of my biggest characteristics is being a perfectionist. I look at myself and expect perfection, and because I know I'm far from it, I don't even try. I look at others and think of how things should have gone or should have been said for it to have been a perfect situation. So when in a relationship I really struggle with red flags versus my idiosyncrasies popping up. I ignored the red flags and kept on trucking. Maybe red flags are too strong? Yellow? Orange? Regardless, things weren't right and I struggled significantly with them.
Soon I began to cling to the small beauties that popped up occasionally. Validation of my opinion. Punny texts all through the night. Frustrating concern when my safety and my sons safety were in question. Those small gestures became life lines and I didn't even realize I was drowning. The rest of the time I felt was spent placating rants and frustrations just to keep from being the focus of them. And of course waiting patiently for the attention I was apparently never going to get.
When it was over and I was left bewildered and confused I realized I really shouldn't be. I saw the signs. I knew what was going on. I just chose to ignore it because I was enamored by this person…this creature would could turn mundane discussions about comics into a full fledged debate over which is better, DC or Marvel. Who could bring clarity to a crazy situation and walk me through it. He had his great points. And he had his not so great points. And it was only when I realized it was over that I could look at everything about him, good and bad, and understand why it didn't work out.
And guess what I learned? Not a bloody thing. Surprising huh? Not really. Because it all boils down to one concept. He is an imperfect man and I am an imperfect woman and the likelihood of us being perfect together was slim to none. I could sit here and pick him apart and tell you every little flaw and irritants that I discovered but what would that prove? Nothing. Because that's not why I'm here. I'm here because I've come to terms with the loss of what I thought we had as opposed to what we DID have.
I'm here to say three words: I. Forgive. You.
And I'm free to say those words because I've finally forgiven myself for all the mistakes I made and all the dorky things I did to push him away. I'm finally free to move on with the knowledge that I'm not perfect, no one is perfect and to expect perfection only leads to disappointment.
And that's it. Nothing special. Nothing fancy. Just that simple message I hope one day he can accept.
Because it's true. I do forgive you.
Then I met this guy. We talked for hours. We connected. We laughed. We disagreed. And we agreed on so much. His voice was the first thing I heard in the morning and generally the last thing I heard at night. I was hooked.
Then I started noticing things. Nothing blatant or obvious, but small nuances that would pop up and cause me to take a step back and look quizzically at things. Small things I soon learned to ignore. You see, one of my biggest characteristics is being a perfectionist. I look at myself and expect perfection, and because I know I'm far from it, I don't even try. I look at others and think of how things should have gone or should have been said for it to have been a perfect situation. So when in a relationship I really struggle with red flags versus my idiosyncrasies popping up. I ignored the red flags and kept on trucking. Maybe red flags are too strong? Yellow? Orange? Regardless, things weren't right and I struggled significantly with them.
Soon I began to cling to the small beauties that popped up occasionally. Validation of my opinion. Punny texts all through the night. Frustrating concern when my safety and my sons safety were in question. Those small gestures became life lines and I didn't even realize I was drowning. The rest of the time I felt was spent placating rants and frustrations just to keep from being the focus of them. And of course waiting patiently for the attention I was apparently never going to get.
When it was over and I was left bewildered and confused I realized I really shouldn't be. I saw the signs. I knew what was going on. I just chose to ignore it because I was enamored by this person…this creature would could turn mundane discussions about comics into a full fledged debate over which is better, DC or Marvel. Who could bring clarity to a crazy situation and walk me through it. He had his great points. And he had his not so great points. And it was only when I realized it was over that I could look at everything about him, good and bad, and understand why it didn't work out.
And guess what I learned? Not a bloody thing. Surprising huh? Not really. Because it all boils down to one concept. He is an imperfect man and I am an imperfect woman and the likelihood of us being perfect together was slim to none. I could sit here and pick him apart and tell you every little flaw and irritants that I discovered but what would that prove? Nothing. Because that's not why I'm here. I'm here because I've come to terms with the loss of what I thought we had as opposed to what we DID have.
I'm here to say three words: I. Forgive. You.
And I'm free to say those words because I've finally forgiven myself for all the mistakes I made and all the dorky things I did to push him away. I'm finally free to move on with the knowledge that I'm not perfect, no one is perfect and to expect perfection only leads to disappointment.
And that's it. Nothing special. Nothing fancy. Just that simple message I hope one day he can accept.
Because it's true. I do forgive you.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
The Appeal
It took another man to walk away with nary a word for me to realise something about myself. I hold no appeal to the opposite sex.
Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. I decided at the beginning of the year the last I was dating would be the last. And he will be. But it took his absense for me to notice my lack of appeal and what I'm going to do about it.
You see, I'm too liberal for the Christian guys and too conservative for the more liberal thinkers. Too matronly for the younger guys and too immature for older men. Too into football for the geeks and too geeky for the jocks. Too smart for the industrial man and too shallow for the intellects. I'm too loud and outgoing for the quiet man, but too much of an introvert for the outgoing life of the party. I'm funny enough for the dry guy but not witty enough for the class clown. I'm chaste around the boisterous man, but too shocking for the modest guys. I'm loving and kind and honourable and organised. I love animals and my own children and willing to open my heart to his. I fear adding "a true submissive woman" because it can be misinterpreted as easily walked over and that's far from it.
I spent a lot of time looking for the right guy that I forgot how to be the right woman, not realizing she was there all along.
You see, I was never looking for a jock, or a geek, or someone smart. I was only looking for someone who loved me. Who wanted to be with me and who invested himself in me whatever way possible. Someone who thought I was worth it.
I quit looking for that person. Instead I AM that person. I love who I am. I enjoy who I've become. And I think I am so worth every effort I put forth and more.
I'll grow, and I'll mature and I'll make mistakes along the way. But I will never lose sight of who I am and how much I'm worth. Never again. If someone wants to join me on this journey, so be it. But if not, I'm fine taking it solo.
As for what I'll change about myself? Not a bloody thing. And if you love me, and if you value me as a person, a woman, a sister in Christ, you won't ask me to.
Thank you for loving me. And thank you for letting me love me too. I love you all dearly and love sharing my journey with you.
Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. I decided at the beginning of the year the last I was dating would be the last. And he will be. But it took his absense for me to notice my lack of appeal and what I'm going to do about it.
You see, I'm too liberal for the Christian guys and too conservative for the more liberal thinkers. Too matronly for the younger guys and too immature for older men. Too into football for the geeks and too geeky for the jocks. Too smart for the industrial man and too shallow for the intellects. I'm too loud and outgoing for the quiet man, but too much of an introvert for the outgoing life of the party. I'm funny enough for the dry guy but not witty enough for the class clown. I'm chaste around the boisterous man, but too shocking for the modest guys. I'm loving and kind and honourable and organised. I love animals and my own children and willing to open my heart to his. I fear adding "a true submissive woman" because it can be misinterpreted as easily walked over and that's far from it.
I spent a lot of time looking for the right guy that I forgot how to be the right woman, not realizing she was there all along.
You see, I was never looking for a jock, or a geek, or someone smart. I was only looking for someone who loved me. Who wanted to be with me and who invested himself in me whatever way possible. Someone who thought I was worth it.
I quit looking for that person. Instead I AM that person. I love who I am. I enjoy who I've become. And I think I am so worth every effort I put forth and more.
I'll grow, and I'll mature and I'll make mistakes along the way. But I will never lose sight of who I am and how much I'm worth. Never again. If someone wants to join me on this journey, so be it. But if not, I'm fine taking it solo.
As for what I'll change about myself? Not a bloody thing. And if you love me, and if you value me as a person, a woman, a sister in Christ, you won't ask me to.
Thank you for loving me. And thank you for letting me love me too. I love you all dearly and love sharing my journey with you.
Friday, April 10, 2015
The Best of Me...and The Best of Me
So for lent I decided to give up romance
novels, and last week was Easter so I was able to go back to them. I decided
not to. I was able to think and realise why I read them and why they became so
important in my life.
For one, they were a great way to pass
time. If I was sitting around and wanted to read something that didn’t require
too much brain power, I would read a romance novel. Most are simply written and
rarely do I read one that I end up perplexed and have to go back and re-read
passages.
And as a single woman they were a way to
fulfill a fantasy. I’m not shy; I’ll admit it. I would read those books and
picture myself with a man like that and if I’d be happy with him. Some men were
too alpha for me, some were too weak, some just too perfect and others too
flawed. There were a few that I thought I could see myself with and found
myself looking for that man instead of looking at the men in my life. I would
put those characters on a pedestal and forget they were fiction. It was
dangerous and I didn’t realise I was doing it until I stopped reading the
books.
As for how the removal helped my
relationship, it didn’t. But that’s okay. The end of any relationship sucks and
hurts but if I didn’t learn anything from it, it would be for naught. And I learned
that men in real life are soooo different than book characters and if I had the
choice I’d pick real men every time. I learned that men aren’t as cognizant
about things as I am, but that doesn’t mean they care any less. It just means
they think differently.
I take this back. I AM ready, but it wasn't the right time with the right person. Someday it will be, and that's because God will say so, not me.
I am incredibly thankful for this
experience, and grateful I am able to continue my life without romance novels. Oh
I’m sure I’ll read one here and there, but for now I’ll just focus on other
things.
Thank you for reading my life journeys.
I can’t do this without you. Any of you.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
So Many Books, So Much Time
I can’t remember a time in my life when I couldn’t read. I always had books
around me. When I was sick nothing made me feel better than a thick stack of books at my bedside. When I was sad, curling up with a happy book was sure to change my mood. If I wanted to understand how cat’s whiskers helped with their balance, I read the encyclopedia. Reading was, is and will always be a huge part of my life.
When I was younger The Baby-Sitters Club, Sweet Valley Twins, Boxcar
Children, Fabulous Five and Goose Bumps were my favourite go to books.
As a teenager I graduated to Sweet Valley Twins, VC Andrews, Christopher Pike, historical nonfiction and Dean Koontz.
Now I tend to focus on whatever I can get free on my Kindle. When I buy books they run from teen novels like Percy Jackson, The Hunger Games, Divergent or slightly more adult themed like James Patterson, Dan Brown, Tom Clancy, Michael Crichton, Patricia Cornwell…
Then there’s the romance novels I tend to read and we’re going to focus on those for a bit. The typical theme of a romance novel is pretty much the same. Strong, aggressive Alpha male meets quiet, meek, virginal female. Occasionally we’ll see a strong willed, assertive woman who tends to turn her man on with a sharp tongue, unfiltered mouth, and/or physical strength that he can’t help but admire. All is right in the world until some sort of misunderstanding/issue/lack of communication…whatever…occurs. Then all hell breaks loose, they dramatically part ways and drag their best
friend/parents/children down with them. Eventually the crisis is resolved
and every lives happily ever after.
Just about every romance novel on the market is like this whether of the Christian genre where they are pure as the driven snow or into BDSM like 50 Shades of Grey.
As a rule, books are supposed to be an escape from reality. Where the reader can pause life for a few hours and immerse herself into a story that takes her far away from her problems and then return her safe and sound ready to refocus on life again.
The problem lies when we immerse ourselves in these stories and then try to apply them to the real world. I have found myself in this dangerous trap and now have to claw my way out before it’s too late.
I’ve realised I have placed expectations in my relationships that are just ridiculous and completely unrealistic. I have forgotten that men in my life make mistakes, are human, and don’t respond to me the way they do in the books. My frustrations are because they aren’t following the script I have set before them. Don’t they know that when I say, “Oh I hate Valentine’s Day! Such a waste of a holiday!” I really mean, “I really wish someone would show me how romantic Valentine’s Day can be with the right person!” Uhhh…no. LOL People tend to take others at their word and if you say, “I don’t like…” or “I would prefer…” they’re going to believe you!
“But in the books the men read between the lines and understand what the woman isn’t saying!”
Yeah…and the books are generally written by a woman who is molding her images of the “perfect man”. I’ve done that too in stories I’ve written and ended up laughing at myself at how unrealistic my characters are. :D
However, because I’ve fallen into this pit, I struggle with deciphering between fact and fiction. I find myself not just overthinking but applying the “Am I being unrealistic or is he being a jerk?” to just about every situation I’m in and it FRUSTRATES ME! Life should not be this complicated. God did not intend for it to be this complicated. We as people make it this way and it’s quite unnecessary.
I keep telling myself, “God is not the author of confusion. If I’m confused about something then a) I need to continue to pray for clarity or b) I need to remove myself from the situation.” So far I haven’t received option B to be applicable so obviously I’m the problem; not the situation.
Not only do I apply characteristics of fictional people to others, but I have found I apply them to myself. I feel like I’m supposed to react a certain way towards people, or feel a certain way when I’m around them and find myself disappointed when it isn’t the case. I’ve probably friend zoned myself more times than I can count because of this. I thought certain things were supposed to make me happy and when other things did I figured it was all wrong and moved on.
So, with my newfound knowledge that real life is NOT like the books I feel like I can make a fresh start at life. I can look at my relationships as they are instead of what I think they should be. I can set my own standards and should anything deviate from them I can assess them accordingly and not just throw out the baby with the bath water.
And this is very freeing. I realise I have very high standards (ridiculously high) and can now make more realistic choices and accept people for who they are; not for how I think they should be. This means accepting everyone warts and all, including myself.
I’m not going to be the perfect friend/girlfriend whatever, but I am going to be myself and love others for themselves.
So on this first day of Lent, I have decided to give up reading romance novels for the next 40 days. I hope it’ll help me focus on the new discoveries I’ve made and focus more on my relationships as they are and not what I expect them to be.
I understand that anything can happen and I’m okay with that. Regardless I’ll know I did everything I could to focus on realistic relationships and if I fail, all I can do is learn from it and move on. If I succeed it’s going to be one amazing relationship. Hahaha!
Wish me luck, my friends. I’ll surely need it…or will I? ;)
around me. When I was sick nothing made me feel better than a thick stack of books at my bedside. When I was sad, curling up with a happy book was sure to change my mood. If I wanted to understand how cat’s whiskers helped with their balance, I read the encyclopedia. Reading was, is and will always be a huge part of my life.
When I was younger The Baby-Sitters Club, Sweet Valley Twins, Boxcar
Children, Fabulous Five and Goose Bumps were my favourite go to books.
As a teenager I graduated to Sweet Valley Twins, VC Andrews, Christopher Pike, historical nonfiction and Dean Koontz.
Now I tend to focus on whatever I can get free on my Kindle. When I buy books they run from teen novels like Percy Jackson, The Hunger Games, Divergent or slightly more adult themed like James Patterson, Dan Brown, Tom Clancy, Michael Crichton, Patricia Cornwell…
Then there’s the romance novels I tend to read and we’re going to focus on those for a bit. The typical theme of a romance novel is pretty much the same. Strong, aggressive Alpha male meets quiet, meek, virginal female. Occasionally we’ll see a strong willed, assertive woman who tends to turn her man on with a sharp tongue, unfiltered mouth, and/or physical strength that he can’t help but admire. All is right in the world until some sort of misunderstanding/issue/lack of communication…whatever…occurs. Then all hell breaks loose, they dramatically part ways and drag their best
friend/parents/children down with them. Eventually the crisis is resolved
and every lives happily ever after.
Just about every romance novel on the market is like this whether of the Christian genre where they are pure as the driven snow or into BDSM like 50 Shades of Grey.
As a rule, books are supposed to be an escape from reality. Where the reader can pause life for a few hours and immerse herself into a story that takes her far away from her problems and then return her safe and sound ready to refocus on life again.
The problem lies when we immerse ourselves in these stories and then try to apply them to the real world. I have found myself in this dangerous trap and now have to claw my way out before it’s too late.
I’ve realised I have placed expectations in my relationships that are just ridiculous and completely unrealistic. I have forgotten that men in my life make mistakes, are human, and don’t respond to me the way they do in the books. My frustrations are because they aren’t following the script I have set before them. Don’t they know that when I say, “Oh I hate Valentine’s Day! Such a waste of a holiday!” I really mean, “I really wish someone would show me how romantic Valentine’s Day can be with the right person!” Uhhh…no. LOL People tend to take others at their word and if you say, “I don’t like…” or “I would prefer…” they’re going to believe you!
“But in the books the men read between the lines and understand what the woman isn’t saying!”
Yeah…and the books are generally written by a woman who is molding her images of the “perfect man”. I’ve done that too in stories I’ve written and ended up laughing at myself at how unrealistic my characters are. :D
However, because I’ve fallen into this pit, I struggle with deciphering between fact and fiction. I find myself not just overthinking but applying the “Am I being unrealistic or is he being a jerk?” to just about every situation I’m in and it FRUSTRATES ME! Life should not be this complicated. God did not intend for it to be this complicated. We as people make it this way and it’s quite unnecessary.
I keep telling myself, “God is not the author of confusion. If I’m confused about something then a) I need to continue to pray for clarity or b) I need to remove myself from the situation.” So far I haven’t received option B to be applicable so obviously I’m the problem; not the situation.
Not only do I apply characteristics of fictional people to others, but I have found I apply them to myself. I feel like I’m supposed to react a certain way towards people, or feel a certain way when I’m around them and find myself disappointed when it isn’t the case. I’ve probably friend zoned myself more times than I can count because of this. I thought certain things were supposed to make me happy and when other things did I figured it was all wrong and moved on.
So, with my newfound knowledge that real life is NOT like the books I feel like I can make a fresh start at life. I can look at my relationships as they are instead of what I think they should be. I can set my own standards and should anything deviate from them I can assess them accordingly and not just throw out the baby with the bath water.
And this is very freeing. I realise I have very high standards (ridiculously high) and can now make more realistic choices and accept people for who they are; not for how I think they should be. This means accepting everyone warts and all, including myself.
I’m not going to be the perfect friend/girlfriend whatever, but I am going to be myself and love others for themselves.
So on this first day of Lent, I have decided to give up reading romance novels for the next 40 days. I hope it’ll help me focus on the new discoveries I’ve made and focus more on my relationships as they are and not what I expect them to be.
I understand that anything can happen and I’m okay with that. Regardless I’ll know I did everything I could to focus on realistic relationships and if I fail, all I can do is learn from it and move on. If I succeed it’s going to be one amazing relationship. Hahaha!
Wish me luck, my friends. I’ll surely need it…or will I? ;)
Monday, January 12, 2015
Day 5 - What's In My Purse???
This one was SUPER fun to do. Minus the crumbs, gum wrappers and receipts from 1998, I give you, the contents of my purse. :D
1. This is what it would look like if you just dumped my purse out. I don't like things floating around so I tend to keep things in their own little places.
2. Car keys are kept separate from house keys. I've locked myself out of the house too many times when getting my car repaired to not do this.
3. The Great Big Book of Everything!!! Seriously, if it's not worth writing down, it's not in this book. Planner, notes, dates, ideas, lessons, scriptures...all in this book. With a stylish matching pen as well. :D
4. My Bible. Yes I have a regular Bible, and yes I have a few apps on my phone, but this is so I know I always have His Word with me and can get the pleasure of flipping through pages instead of scrolling through screens.
5. This is my beauty bag. Lip glosses, nail care, eye drops, and feminine supplies that I really didn't need to take out of the bag. :P
6. My pen bag. I have just about every writing utensil needed in this bag. Pen, marker, highlighter, pencil...I'm prepared. :D
7. This is my wallet. Pretty self explanatory IMO. :P
8. My whatever bag. Ear buds, phone charger, vapor pen, Q-tips, Zippo lighter, flash drive, pocket knife, gum, and vapor juice. As helter-skelter as this bag is, I dig into it the most.
9. And the things that don't go into a bag, but are necessary IMO. Hospital employee badge and lanyard, tissues, trail mix, and change wallet.
So there you have it. The ever exciting contents of my purse. :D
Friday, January 9, 2015
Day 4 - What Do I Remember???
I am known to having the best memory in the family. If anyone needs to know dates, names, phone numbers, addresses...whatever, they come to me. So when I sat down to recollect my earlier memory it was a struggle. We're told we don't actually remember early childhood memories but the story told by those who witnessed it. I'm sure that's the case many times but this is about MY first memory.
I was about 2 years old and we were living in Alaska at the time. My brother and I were home and my grandparents were visiting. My brother and I were at the top of the landing when we headed down the stairs. I was wearing something for bed having either just woke up or on the way to bed. Miss Independent that I am and always was, I decided to take the trek down the stairs by myself. And down the stairs I went. Rolling. All the way to the bottom.
Come to find out I broke my leg. It wasn't detrimental. A little green stick snap, which healed nicely and I was happy as a lark. The details are sketchy but rolling down the stairs is definitely my first memory.
There are many out there I'd love to share with you...another time, perhaps. ;)
I was about 2 years old and we were living in Alaska at the time. My brother and I were home and my grandparents were visiting. My brother and I were at the top of the landing when we headed down the stairs. I was wearing something for bed having either just woke up or on the way to bed. Miss Independent that I am and always was, I decided to take the trek down the stairs by myself. And down the stairs I went. Rolling. All the way to the bottom.
Come to find out I broke my leg. It wasn't detrimental. A little green stick snap, which healed nicely and I was happy as a lark. The details are sketchy but rolling down the stairs is definitely my first memory.
There are many out there I'd love to share with you...another time, perhaps. ;)
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